Do What You Can (and Be at Peace with What You Can’t)

One of the privileges of my career has been to introduce good people to one another. Often, this comes at a time when someone needs a job or when there is an opportunity for mentorship. Knowing how much I’ve benefited from holy, capable mentors, this “handoff” is borderline sacred and certainly part of giving back. I love when I can send an email that says, “Joe, meet Susan, one of the kindness people I know…”

One of those mentors is Fr. Dennis Berry, S.T., a kindly priest who is a Missionary Servant of the Most Holy Trinity. You can listen to his daily podcast here.

Years ago, I invited Fr. Dennis to speak to some young faculty members who clearly had talent and a bright future. His message was simple enough, “You do what you can. As for the rest, be at peace with what you cannot control.”

To be frank, I was disappointed in his message. Really? Do what you can? Was that the best that Fr. Dennis could offer on that particular day? Couldn’t he have reminded us of some obscure text from the Middle Ages that is helpful for our modern day? But no, “do what you can” was all we got.

Simple Truths

“Anxiety is the greatest evil that can befall a soul except sin. God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry.”

— St. Francis de Sales

Since that day, God has humbled me (about a million times over) and taught me that Fr. Dennis was more right than I could have ever imagined. I’ve since repeated his message to countless employees and friends. His central point was the following:

1. Do what you can. Since most people would rather complain about what others are not doing, this prevents them from taking action personally. Most people, in brutal honesty, do not do what they can.

2. Be at peace with what you cannot control. This is not to say that you ignore what others are (or are not) doing. Rather, you make peace with the very real fact that there are things completely out of your control.

How might we apply Fr. Dennis’ simple message to our time of social distancing and collective isolation? I decided to begin with a list of what I cannot control which include:

• Whether or not the President is listening to his medical advisors.

• Whether the Bishops should have a more muscular voice regarding the reopening of parishes.

• Whether there is a global plan to disrupt planet earth. (You can watch amateur hour unfold on that here)

• Whether the audio for the next Mass I watch online will be clear enough.

If I’m not careful, each of the items above can create anxiety. If I lean into each one too often, I’ll lose sleep and begin to feel paralyzed by fear.

What I Can Control

On the flip side, if I do what I can, I can regain confidence and have permission to do small (but mighty) actions. These include:

• I can choose to have my daily devotional time of prayer.

• I can choose to be fully present to my wife and children, even in the midst of a workday.

• I can choose to provide my family with daily opportunities for group prayer and reflection.

• I can choose to make healthy choices regarding food, sleep and hobbies.

• I can choose to be a positive voice online instead of a Negative Ned.

• I can choose to bring my very best self to work.

As I look at the two lists above, the latter feels better. I can hold each of those in my hands. They don’t feel too heavy.

Each is doable and within my control. It’s what I can do and as for the rest, I’ll be praying to be at peace with those.

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Prayer for When You Worry

Worry is both inexpensive and expensive at the same time.

It comes in all shapes and sizes. You can worry about your future or about the next five minutes. It’s extremely elastic and will take up as much space as you give it.

Part of the current explosion of anxiety is connected with worry. The more I spend time on social media, the more I might be vulnerable to worrying about my body image, 401K or where my neighbors are on vacation.  It’s no secret that more social media leads to more worry which expands into a general, persistent sense of anxiety.

“But I’m a worrywart,” you say in your defense. I get it, I really do. If there’s an achilles heal of my own spiritual journey, it’s tied to worrying. I’m what you call a reverse worrier. Instead of worrying about my salvation, my future or my success, I worry in reverse order:

• Am I spending the next morning correctly?

• Am I spending the next hour responsibly?

• Am I spending the next minute properly?

While this can seem at first like scrupulosity, it’s actually different. Scrupulosity is about pride and over-inflating small things. While worrying about the use of a half hour can appear to be scrupulous (and at times it can be), it’s actually different. It’s a sense of anxiety in the event that things are amiss.  In this way, my style of worry isn’t usually about what I’m doing but about what others are doing (or not doing) or how others might perceive what I’m doing.

Anyways, enough about me- how about you? To what degree are you a worrier?

I assume that you worry about some things, right? No one is completely immune from worry. Whether it’s your children, your home or a natural disaster, there is plenty to be concerned with on Planet Earth. 

This is a key distinction- concern vs. worry. Concern is rooted in charity. It’s good to be concerned with the wellbeing of others.

Worry though, this is another thing. Like a weed in your flower bed, worry can grow. It can take over your inner peace if you let it. I suppose this is why Jesus speaks so strongly against worry and in favor of trusting in God:

“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:31-34

The Old Testament prophets, Psalms and New Testament epistles are full of passages  countering worry. The throughline is this: worry less, trust God more.

The saints have plenty to say as well regarding worry. St. Francis de Sales has a particularly haunting admonishment, “Anxiety is the greatest evil that can befall a soul, except sin. God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry.”

Forbids-you-to-worry... those are fighting words in the spiritual life. Francis de Sales dropped the mic on the head of worry. When you put the Scriptures together with the Tradition of the Church, the message is clear- worry should have no place in the life of the disciple.

Ok easier said than done.

Let’s be practical. When you move through your week and something worry-producing pops up, what should you do? 

1. Remember the words of Jesus. “Do not worry...” Let’s not brush off the Lord’s words. He is clear. Do not worry. He’s got this. Whatever “this” is, He’s got this.

2. Put thoughts in their place. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it has to take hold of you. You have a fleeting thought about the size of your retirement funds. Now you can acknowledge the thought and either a). Obsess over it and worry and become more anxious or b). Dismiss the thought as irrelevant to your situation or c). Do something about it.  Thoughts are thoughts. They don’t have to take over your life.

As you go through your week, be mindful of the words of Christ, “What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.” Jesus knows what you need and what you want in life. It’s our role to trust Him as He provides for these things.

Praying Through Anger

The call ended. I had just been lectured by someone who was supposed to be a peer. Instead, they were acting as if they were my parent, scolding me over something that I had done. I had apparently not acted according to their pristine standards.

I got off the phone, uttered a few curse words and moved on. My anger was temporary and I dealt with it as best as I knew how. I swore, complained a little and told Cary about it later that day. 

That was it.

“There are two methods to subdue anger. First, that before a person undertakes to act, he places before his mind the contumelies and sufferings which he will likely encounter, and, by reflecting on the shame borne by our Saviour, prepares himself to bear them patiently. Secondly, that when we behold the excesses of others, we direct our thoughts to our own excesses, by which we offend others.”

— Pope Saint Gregory the Great

How about you- how do you deal with anger? Do you stew and then lash out? Or, are you someone who responds immediately and lives to regret it later?

For me, anger is a strange emotion, showing its face on rare occasions.  As a Catholic, I’m not sure we do a very good job of helping people deal with anger. When was the last time you heard a homily about anger?

Jesus got angry. He acted on it, to the surprise  and backlash of those around him. I imagine that if you hung out with the Lord on a regular basis, you knew when he was angry about something.

Today, we see anger played out in traffic squabbles. Maybe someone will flip you the bird from their car. Or, if you’re really lucky, someone will call you an idiot on Twitter, although I’m not sure that really counts.

It’s as if we’ve become allergic to anger. In HR training, we’re taught to couch our emotions into beige language like, “I think what I hear you saying is...” or “When you did that, it made me feel sad...”

Is this what we’ve become? People who can’t even express raw emotion or appropriate anger?

As with all emotions, prayer can help to make sense of anger. It will feel foreign, holding up anger to God. Asking Him what the source of your anger is, turning it over a few times, talking it through.

You might even have anger towards God or the Church. I know that I have from time to time. It feels uncomfortable to even write this but it’s true.

The best remedy- acknowledge it. Tell God that you’re mad at Him. Ask Him to show you the source of this anger. Talking to God is praying with emotion, even with anger. Remember who you are and who God is and the anger will make sense over time. Be careful with anger as many of the saints remind us. To respond angrily in an inappropriate way can create a big problem. Worse yet, it can stain your character.

As for your anger towards others, this is more tricky. Again, hold it up to God and ask for His light to show you the source of your emotion. Ask for the way in which you should respond. Talk with someone you trust about your anger as a further way of processing it. 

Prayer is a key asset in processing emotions, especially anger. Don’t go it alone. Let God into your anger and sure enough, He will provide you with the light you need to work through your anger.

Prayer for When You Can’t Breathe

I live in a house with other humans plus one adorable dog named Ace. On most nights, all are sleeping peacefully and the house is quiet. Sure, you can hear the growns of the heating system if you really listen. 

Still, things are typically quiet.

Occasionally, one of us is up in the night, breaking that silence with a trip to the bathroom or worse, waking from a nightmare. At other times, you simply can’t sleep due to anxiety.

I was listening to a recent episode of Divine Intimacy with Dan and Stephanie Burke. His new book deals with the reality that many of us face- increased worry in our everyday lives. Why are we so anxious about so many things?

This is when you can’t breath. This is when you wake in the middle of the night.

My wife and I commute an hour to work three times a week on a major interstate. On any given day, you can find yourself in the middle lane. On the right might be a tractor-trailer truck and on the left, a logging rig. You have no place to go and nothing to do except to hope that breathing room presents itself. And, thankfully, it almost always does.

“In order to succeed in prayer, it should be done when we first awaken, when our whole being is calm and recollected. We need to make our meditation before anything else.
”

— Bl. Peter Julian Eymard

As with our anxiety, there’s almost always breathing room on the other side of things. This “other side” might be five minutes later or 55 minutes later. It might show up a week later but it always does show up. 

How does this happen? How do we make our way through anxiety? While prayer is no silver bullet, it surely plays a part. 

When you feel anxious, try to pause and add prayer to your worry. Lord, I’m anxious right now. There it is again. I’ve been here before. I know that you’re with me right now. I know that you sense my anxiety. You’re here and that helps.

If you can make it through this stage (and good news, you can!), you might take things even further into prayer. Lord, why do I feel anxious? Is there one cause of this or several? Can you help me get to the bottom of it? What’s really going on here?

Naturally, there might be several further stages of prayer that can be applied when you have anxiety. It’s not a straight line. Rather, it’s a curvy road and sometimes, unfortunately, your tires may veer.

The key- the Lord is very much present in and through your anxiety. He wants to be there with you, redeeming your worry into trust and confidence in His love. He will provide breathing room and can walk you through whatever is getting you up in the middle of the night.

You Want Quiet But All You Hear is Noise

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas in the United States is very, very hectic.  I appreciate Joshua Becker’s recent post on doing holiday traditions that you want to do rather than feel that you need to do.

Still, even with an “on my own terms” mindset to the holidays, you can feel overwhelmed.  I know that I do.

The spillover of course is that when you go to pray, your mind is still racing...

• Is the gift for Aunt Helen the right gift?
• When is that holiday party?
• Did we get the tickets for Breakfast with Santa? (An event I despise by the way but that’s another story.)

The list goes on and on.  A seasoned person of prayer knows how to gently hit “pause” in his head when these thoughts barge in.  A person with a young prayer life will be pulled in a thousand different directions when these thoughts come in.  Whether you are new at prayer or are steeped in holiness, silence and quiet are very important.  

St. John of the Cross said this, "What we need most in order to make progress is to be silent before this great God with our appetite and with our tongue, for the language he best hears is silent love." 

I suggest, when the racing thoughts approach, that you do one of two things:

1. Say to yourself, “I’m going to let that one go...” and truly let it go.  
2. Write it down.  If it’s really important, write it down or capture it in your task manager.  This way, you can then go back to prayer and have the confidence of knowing that you can revisit the item later.

Prayer is an art and takes practice.  With these two strategies, you’ll be able to handle the distractions that come your way.

Four Things You Can Do When You Feel Overwhelmed

I signed my kids up for basketball this week.  Here’s a snapshot of how it went:

1. Daily emails from the school reminding me of the signups.  
2. Creating an account online.
3. Confirming my account via email.
4. Paying for the two kids to play basketball.
5. Capturing my password and login credentials in 1Password.
6. Marking on the calendar the key meetings and events that go with signing two kids up for basketball.
7. Creating a project in OmniFocus so I can “park” all of my basketball-related items in one place.

If this was the only thing in my life, it wouldn’t be a big deal.  Two kids playing basketball… sounds great right?

Except that it’s only one slice of the pie.  Life as a forty-something dad with four kids has become exceedingly complex.  The basketball signup process is just one thing that I’m managing.  

Other (similar) projects include my daughter’s Fall Drama rehearsal schedule and what role parents need to play.  There’s winterizing the house before the first frost.  Then there’s the committee that I should never have signed up for but did out of guilt.  The conference calls for that commitment add another layer of stress.  

I could keep going… but I won’t because you probably have similar things on your project list.  We all add more complexity than we’d like to our lives.

“Noise is our accumulated list of projects, tasks and todo’s that need to be managed.  It’s life really. ”

And complexity equals one thing and that is noise.  

Noise is our accumulated list of projects, tasks and todo’s that need to be managed.  It’s life really.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

The key is this- do we have a system that is capable of helping us manage all of these projects?  Does a person really need to use a productivity app to manage basketball signups?  Can’t life be simpler than this?

Sadly, no it can’t.  Sure, when you’re about 10 years old life is simple.  You wake up and do whatever comes to you during the day.  But once you hit middle school and beyond, you’ve graduated to Project Manager status.  

Your system needs to keep up.  

The “problem” I have (and maybe you do too?) is that I get tired.  On some days, I just don’t want to have to manage projects in my personal life.  I don’t mind it at all in my “work life”- we use Nozbe for that.  

But it’s the Saturday morning kind of thing that bothers me.  It’s a tension to manage- having projects for my kids’ commitments and my non-work activities.  It just gets overwhelming at times.

You could just say, “the heck with it” and toss up your hands and hit delete.  This might be effective for a short while but is probably irresponsible or reckless for the long haul.

Instead, here are four creative strategies for when you feel overwhelmed by your system:

1. Visit with a spiritual director on a regular basis.  Visiting with my spiritual director, a Catholic priest, has been the most impactful decision of my adult life.  Without someone to talk to about deep things, most of us are left to wrestle with our internal world on our own.  Overwhelm is definitely one of the things that a spiritual director can help with.
2. Take an intentional hiatus from social media.   More and more studies show that the more time you spend on social media, the unhappier you are.  By hitting the pause button on your Facebook and Twitter usage, you’re making more time for simpler things that matter much more.
3. Reclaim your Sabbath.  When do you take “sabbath”?  When do you stop picking up socks around the house and sticks in the yard?  When do you enjoy doing something that truly makes you smile?  By reclaiming your Sabbath, you’re not escaping your overwhelming list of projects and todos.  Rather, you’re giving them a context of the rest of your life.  I recommend Terry Hershey's Sabbath Moments as a place to start if you want to reclaim your Sabbath.
4. Cut it out.  At a certain point, you just need to do less.  Which project can you cancel or delete? Which committee can you gracefully bow out of?  Which event can you skip?

We all get overwhelmed.  The real key is to respond with patience and calm.  Be compassionate with yourself and realize that you have much more agency than you think.  

You’ll get through it!