Do What You Can (and Be at Peace with What You Can’t)

One of the privileges of my career has been to introduce good people to one another. Often, this comes at a time when someone needs a job or when there is an opportunity for mentorship. Knowing how much I’ve benefited from holy, capable mentors, this “handoff” is borderline sacred and certainly part of giving back. I love when I can send an email that says, “Joe, meet Susan, one of the kindness people I know…”

One of those mentors is Fr. Dennis Berry, S.T., a kindly priest who is a Missionary Servant of the Most Holy Trinity. You can listen to his daily podcast here.

Years ago, I invited Fr. Dennis to speak to some young faculty members who clearly had talent and a bright future. His message was simple enough, “You do what you can. As for the rest, be at peace with what you cannot control.”

To be frank, I was disappointed in his message. Really? Do what you can? Was that the best that Fr. Dennis could offer on that particular day? Couldn’t he have reminded us of some obscure text from the Middle Ages that is helpful for our modern day? But no, “do what you can” was all we got.

Simple Truths

“Anxiety is the greatest evil that can befall a soul except sin. God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry.”

— St. Francis de Sales

Since that day, God has humbled me (about a million times over) and taught me that Fr. Dennis was more right than I could have ever imagined. I’ve since repeated his message to countless employees and friends. His central point was the following:

1. Do what you can. Since most people would rather complain about what others are not doing, this prevents them from taking action personally. Most people, in brutal honesty, do not do what they can.

2. Be at peace with what you cannot control. This is not to say that you ignore what others are (or are not) doing. Rather, you make peace with the very real fact that there are things completely out of your control.

How might we apply Fr. Dennis’ simple message to our time of social distancing and collective isolation? I decided to begin with a list of what I cannot control which include:

• Whether or not the President is listening to his medical advisors.

• Whether the Bishops should have a more muscular voice regarding the reopening of parishes.

• Whether there is a global plan to disrupt planet earth. (You can watch amateur hour unfold on that here)

• Whether the audio for the next Mass I watch online will be clear enough.

If I’m not careful, each of the items above can create anxiety. If I lean into each one too often, I’ll lose sleep and begin to feel paralyzed by fear.

What I Can Control

On the flip side, if I do what I can, I can regain confidence and have permission to do small (but mighty) actions. These include:

• I can choose to have my daily devotional time of prayer.

• I can choose to be fully present to my wife and children, even in the midst of a workday.

• I can choose to provide my family with daily opportunities for group prayer and reflection.

• I can choose to make healthy choices regarding food, sleep and hobbies.

• I can choose to be a positive voice online instead of a Negative Ned.

• I can choose to bring my very best self to work.

As I look at the two lists above, the latter feels better. I can hold each of those in my hands. They don’t feel too heavy.

Each is doable and within my control. It’s what I can do and as for the rest, I’ll be praying to be at peace with those.

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Humility During the Era of Covid-19

It finally happened.

After six weeks of studying at home each day and barely leaving the house, my 16 year old had a meltdown. It was something in the vein of “I just want to leave the house, go out to a store, see my friends, get something to eat, see a movie…just be normal again!”

“There is more value in a little study of humility and in a single act of it than in all the knowledge in the world.”

— St. Teresa of Avila

This wasn’t a spoiled kid’s rant. It was a normal reaction to weeks of social restrictions.

I’ve felt this many times myself in the past month and a half. If I’m honest, I don’t like limits. I want to go to a Dunkin Donuts at any time of the day and buy a stupid cup of coffee, I want to buy a salty hamburger at McDonalds, and I want to run to WalMart for whatever! As one priest said in a homily, talking about these same issues, “I want what I want.”

Covid-19 has imposed limits on each of us. Some days, the weight feels heavy. Other days, as they blur from one to the next, feel light.

There is a grace in all of this: humility. Humility is about accepting our blessings and our limitations. It’s about being honest with what’s best in each moment. It’s about the truth.

Right now, the truth as we know it, is that we ought to stay at home as much as possible. It stinks and for many Americans, it has particular pain points. Still, it’s the container for our humility right now.

The Components of a Family Faith Curriculum

In my last post, I shared the why behind our family’s decision to create its own faith curriculum. To sum it up, we found that we simply couldn’t rely solely on our local parish or Catholic schools to provide what our kids needed. The inconsistencies in preaching, teaching and programming were just too great.

What we learned in the process is that the Church has invited us all along to make our home a “domestic church”. That is to say, we finally embraced what we were called to be all along. Our home would become the primary place of formation. This would then be complemented by our church and schools.

Covid-19 challenged us to see what we could do at home as our local churches have been closed. As a father, it’s been a wonderful opportunity for me to learn (again) what it means to be the spiritual father of our family.

“Thus the little domestic Church, like the greater Church, needs to be constantly and intensely evangelized: hence its duty regarding permanent education in the faith…the family, like the Church, ought to be a place where the Gospel is transmitted and from which the Gospel radiates…the future of evangelization depends in great part on the Church of the home.”

— Saint John Paul II

As the saying goes, “necessity is the mother of invention”. I guess we’ve become more of discoverers than inventors. I look at this process as one of curation rather than creation. We’ve pieced together a loose system that works for us. Will it work for you? Probably not in its same format. You’ll need to curate for yourself. I think the key is to be intentional and tweak and adjust as you go.

The Lenses

Anyhow, back to the family faith curriculum. You’ve heard of why we created this. Today, I’ll share with you exactly what it looks like each week. Remember the lenses through which we’ve crafted this curriculum:

1. A lens of Truth, Goodness & Beauty.

2. An emphasis on classical things.

3. Variety.

4. Personal ownership.

5. A nightly practice.

6. Scripture.

The Day-by-Day Names

With these lenses in mind, my wife and I decided to then look at each day of the week and “assign” a them to each day. We also decided to brand each day, making it easy for the kids to remember our point of emphasis. Here are the days:

• Marian Monday: a focus on Mary, Marian spirituality and Marian practices

• Theological Tuesday: a focus on a classical theological concept of text

• Works of Mercy Wednesday: a focus on the importance of doing good and practicing mercy

• Thankful Thursday: a focus on Divine Mercy and gratitude

• Free Friday: typically an “open” night to do whatever feels right

• Saturday & Sunday: a focus on beauty

The Day-by-Day Activities

Now we’ll look at exactly what we do in each night’s time of prayer:

• Marian Monday: We pray the rosary. Sometimes, to mix it up, we might have a slideshow up on the tv with images of Mary, forming a sort of Visio Divina. When our kids were younger, we started out with just a decade of the rosary. Over time, we were able to cover the entire rosary.

• Theological Tuesday: On Tuesdays, I like to find some rich theological text, poem or excerpt for us to look at and discuss. This might be a poem by Chesterton, a quote from Sheen or a phrase from Augustine. This night is very profound but also brief. We might “wrap” this with everyone going around and offering prayers for others.

• Works of Mercy Wednesday: On Wednesdays, we might write to our sponsor child, call the grandparents, or write notes to people who are alone. The key is to help the kids see a world bigger than just our home and our family.

• Thankful Thursday: On Thursdays, we do things related to gratitude. This could be praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet or just going around and praying for people for whom we are thankful. The key is to emphasize gratitude to God in very specific ways.

• Free Friday: On Fridays, we typically make pizza and maybe watch a movie. Prayers are typically brief and we go with the flow.

• Saturday & Sunday: on Saturday, we’ll hand the Bible to one of the kids and invite them to find the Sunday Gospel reading. This teaches them the skill of Bible literacy. Then, we’ll talk about the upcoming Sunday’s Gospel and what it means to each of us. On Sunday, we might look at a famous icon (emphasis on beauty) and discuss its meaning.

As I’ve stated before, this is a work in progress. This framework is a starting point. It’s not meant to be so structured so that it feels tight. Rather, it frees us up to be together as a family of faith.

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how to Create a Family Faith Curriculum

My wife Cary and I have been married for nearly 22 years. It took little effort for us to pray at night before bed. It took a lot more work to develop a system for educating our kids in the faith.

Let me explain.

“Each family finds within itself a summons that cannot be ignored and that specifies both its dignity and responsibility: family, become what you are!”

— St. John Paul II

For many years, I’d say 10-15 or so, we relied on outside resources for teaching the faith. Catholic schools and Catholic Churches were our primary means of instruction. We saw those as the best “vehicles” for faith instruction. Our approach was simple enough- we would send our kids to Catholic schools, attend weekly Mass and then complement those with our own at-home example. Sprinkle in praying before meals and emphasizing good morals and we were done.

Except that it didn’t work.

You see, we had it all backwards. We thought that the outside structures would be enough. Over time, we found our hearts broken by the Church we love. Scandal and corruption became common. Schools closed. The clever “system” we had relied on was no longer enough. We still loved being Catholic but realized, painfully, that our Church simply could not provide all that we needed.

A Sobering Reality

And, this part is harder to admit- our kids really weren’t grabbing hold of the faith. They knew Jesus but didn’t really know Him- if you know what I mean. I started to acknowledge that if we didn’t make some adjustments, they would likely leave the Church and the faith.

For many years, Cary urged us to “do more” at home. I would deflect, pointing out others who did far less than we did. But she was right as converts often are.

It wasn’t until we moved to a new home in a new city with new parishes that we fully embraced what the Second Vatican Council meant by the family as the “domestic church” (Lumen Gentium). Then, unplanned by us, the coronavirus struck. Our new approach was all we had. Our “curriculum” is essentially a curated system for teaching our kids the faith that we love and want them to embrace.

Our Inspiration

Two resources that have been tremendously helpful are Dr. John Cuddeback’s LifeCraft website and the Messy Family Project by Alicia and Mike Hernon. John places a lot of emphasis on the role that “home” plays in faith formation, with a nod to classical concepts. Alicia and Mike take a practical approach, weaving in their experience of parenting 10 kids (!) with their faith. If you haven’t spent some time on either website, pour yourself a cup of coffee and you’ll be in for a treat.

We’ve been inspired to create our own system, not to detract from the model of our own family. I grew up Catholic and my parents provided a wonderful example to me and my two brothers. Cary grew up in a home without faith and later became Catholic. Where we live in Bethlehem, PA, there are few supports for Catholic families. No intentional Catholic communities. No charismatic prayer movements. No couples ministry. We have tons of great people and wonderful parishes but if you want to be intentional with your family, you have to be crafty. For a while, I complained about this. Now, I accept it as Fr. Thomas Judge, CM described it as the “providence of everyday life”.

The Components

Here are the components of our Family Faith Curriculum. Keep in mind that these work for us. You’ll need to try things out and make some modifications as you go. We start with lenses and in later posts I’ll detail the exact things we do each day.

1. A lens of Truth, Goodness & Beauty. Bishop Barron talks a lot about this as did Hans Urs von Balthasar. We make sure that each week, we are talking about and emphasizing topics that deal with the intellect, with justice and with art.

2. An emphasis on classical things. Whenever we can, we use original sources, obscure readings and old things.

3. Variety. Kids need this as do we as parents. Variety is key so that you don’t become stale. Variety also allows you to pivot when you feel that you need to. Variety lends to flexibility.

4. Personal ownership. We don’t want a curriculum that is passive. Rather, we want to be training our kids to know the Lord and practice the skills that are necessary for fruitful discipleship.

5. A nightly practice. We do something prayerful every night. This provides the family with an anchor they can rely on. The average night’s activity is about 15 minutes.

6. Scripture. We want our kids to be touching a Bible as often as possible and over time, learn to love Scripture.

In future posts, I’ll detail what our Family Faith Curriculum currently looks like, with detailed examples of each day’s points of emphasis. This can change from month to month but it will at least provide you with a glimpse. Then, you can take this framework and customize it to your family.

How to Create a Prayer Corner in Your Home

​I had the pleasure of attending an event for over 15,000 college students earlier this year. While the workshops were fantastic and the vibe electric, two things stood out for me and they both had to do with spaces for prayer.

One was a large room that was transformed into an Adoration Chapel. With chairs arranged as they would be for a church (i.e. straight ahead), an altar was placed in the front of the room with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. A large crucifix was hung and a nice backdrop established. To the right and left of the altar were separate prayer areas with specially lit artwork. The idea was that you could pray in a number of different ways in this space. See my photo below to get a better feel for it.

​The second prayer space was mentioned briefly in one of the keynotes. The speaker mentioned that he had recently moved to a larger home that offered two walk-in closets. Not needing one of them, he converted it into a “chapel”, outfitted with pews that he found on Craigslist from a Baptist church. His point: if you’re serious about prayer, why not dedicate some space in your home for it?

When I got home, I realized that a tiny spot in my office might work well for a prayer “zone”. You can see the photo below, with Ace the Fierce Guard Dog opening up the Word!

 I’ve realized three things about this prayer space:

• It’s an excellent “teacher” for my children. When they see the area, they know that it’s not an ordinary space.

• It gives me, as a visual learner, a focal point. While most of my prayer is eyes-closed, I love the items in my space and they remind me to stay focused.

• It uses an otherwise unused space. I was just going to install a bookshelf for envelopes and extra paper supplies. What I now have is an attractive area to meet with the Lord.

Here’s a homework assignment: look around at your home. Where can you establish a prayer corner? What special items can you include in your corner? Some ideas might include:

• A Bible

• An icon

• A small plant

• A crucifix

• A relic (no stealing one from your local church!)

• A holy image

Ok ready to make your prayer corner? Go for it! I bet that you’ll find, as I have, that it amplifies your prayer life and provides a wonderful example to those with whom you live.

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The Things We Get To Do

I attended a Board meeting last night and the night before that a dinner dance for my daughter.  At some point during both days, I probably said something like, “I have to go to this event”.

Now that both evenings have passed and went extremely well, a shift is what I really need to make in my vocabulary.

I got to dance with my daughter and my wife.  I got to serve at the pleasure of a Board that supports me.  So much of my life is a privilege and blessing.

The list gets longer and today might be a day when you craft a similar inventory of “everyday blessings”:

-I get to wake up each morning and kiss my family goodbye as I head off to work

-I get to travel along nice country roads each morning

-I get to listen to podcasts each day and learn from experts 

-I get to work with amazing people who serve amazing kids

-I get to do work that matters and makes a difference

-I get to blog and podcast and connect with others around the world

-I get to worship each week in a Church full of relatively nice people

And the list goes on.  See what your list produces and if you’re like me, you’ll want to shift from “have to” to “get to”.

Instead of "have to", shift to "get to" in your vocabulary.