What to do When Your Prayer Life Falls Apart

November 18, 2017 Mike StPierre

If you’re reading this, you have some affinity to prayer. Either out of curiosity or a desire to be a better practitioner, each of us has some sense of “praying well”.

Unfortunately, praying well isn’t as easy as we might like it to be. This may be due to inconsistency or a lack of confidence or an inability to focus. Whatever the case, we want progress and if you’re an American, you want fast progress that you can measure.

But, as 14th century mystic Meister Eckhart indicated, much of the spiritual life is about subtraction, not addition and certainly not measurement. Our efforts can fall flat when we don’t “see” progress. ‘

As Eckhart says, “God expects but one thing of you, and that is that you should come out of yourself in so far as you are a created being made and let God be God in you.” At first glance, this can sound like the stuff of fluffy spirituality, sort of like a “let God be God” approach to life.

But look deeper at the quote.

Prayer, as a means to an end, is just that- a lever through which a relationship can grow. Our relationship with God uses prayer as a means of communication and intimacy. When our prayer life falls apart, we can fear that our relationship with God is faltering as well.

I can relate to this through a recent personal story.

As I am the early riser in our family, morning dog care has become my responsibility. While I don’t mind the chore, it has wreaked havoc on my morning routine. Instead of coffee, a Bible and a journal for 30 minutes, I’m taking out the dog, feeding him and then making sure he doesn’t have an accident. It’s an odd process- feed, wait, watch, wait some more. This doesn’t make for a calming morning routine.

Lessons learned

First, a settling reassurance from God that this “season” won’t last forever. Having had Ace (our puppy) for a month, I can see that the strong foundation of prayer which existed before Ace has propelled me through this time of regrounding a morning routine. Quite amazingly, I haven’t gotten discouraged and have found other times during the day in which to pray. Not ideal but better than nothing.

Second, and this is thanks to some wise counsel from my spiritual director, I’ve been able to reframe my morning routine into a prayerful experience. This is the funny part of the story. I am what you might call “kitchen challenged” but thankfully, I married a woman who is a wonderful cook.

Over the years, my attempts at cooking dinner (or any other meal for that matter) have been greeted by polite tolerance from my children. Still, I dabble occasionally and keep trying to improve.

In the month since we’ve had Ace, I discovered a chunk of time in the morning (30 minutes) which used to be reserved for morning prayer. As the adorable and demanding puppy has now claimed that time slot, I wondered if I could use the rest of the 30 minutes for something else.

Why not make a hot breakfast for everyone?

The first thought of this was hilarious. Remember, I can’t really cook that well. But, when people are tired, they will eat almost anything. So, without fear, I ventured into the kitchen and decided to re-use what had been my morning routine into cooking.

The results have been decent and on some days, rather wonderful.

Blueberry muffins.
Bacon.
Pancakes.
Cranberry muffins.
Sugar cookies.

After a week, the kids are now asking what the next morning breakfast will entail. It’s become a game of sorts.

Another discovery from this is the awareness that I might be able to use this time of cooking as a time of praying. To be fair, when you are busy in the kitchen you are typically stirring, measuring and paying attention to your ingredients. But, with some intentionality, you can (as I have) turn this simple act of cooking into a pure act of praying.

Here's how it works

Here’s how it works: first I put out the ingredients, then I put on my Dad Apron, then I make the sign of the cross and ask God to turn my cooking into praying, then I go to work. The final product, even if imperfect, is something wonderful.

I won’t go so far as to say that “God and I cooked this for you” but you get the point.

What I’ve learned is that yes, there are times in your life when your prayer life really falls apart. This will happen to each of us at some point. If it hasn’t yet hit you, I dare say “get ready”. When a mom has a baby, things get crazy. When you get into a car crash and have to recover, things get crazy. When you are traveling or on vacation, things can get crazy.

If you can let God turn the crazy into something new and different, you'll be ok.

By taking the long view and then reframing how I thought of prayer, things have now settled and I’m finding new rhythms for prayer. New spaces are opening up in my day that I didn’t see before. God is being God in me and I’m learning, once again, to graciously get out of His way.

And of course four children plus a puppy are getting to enjoy fresh muffins each morning.

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Four Things You Can Do When You Feel Overwhelmed

October 22, 2017 Mike StPierre

I signed my kids up for basketball this week. Here’s a snapshot of how it went:

1. Daily emails from the school reminding me of the signups.
2. Creating an account online.
3. Confirming my account via email.
4. Paying for the two kids to play basketball.
5. Capturing my password and login credentials in 1Password.
6. Marking on the calendar the key meetings and events that go with signing two kids up for basketball.
7. Creating a project in OmniFocus so I can “park” all of my basketball-related items in one place.

If this was the only thing in my life, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Two kids playing basketball… sounds great right?

Except that it’s only one slice of the pie. Life as a forty-something dad with four kids has become exceedingly complex. The basketball signup process is just one thing that I’m managing.

Other (similar) projects include my daughter’s Fall Drama rehearsal schedule and what role parents need to play. There’s winterizing the house before the first frost. Then there’s the committee that I should never have signed up for but did out of guilt. The conference calls for that commitment add another layer of stress.

I could keep going… but I won’t because you probably have similar things on your project list. We all add more complexity than we’d like to our lives.

“Noise is our accumulated list of projects, tasks and todo’s that need to be managed. It’s life really. ”

And complexity equals one thing and that is noise.

Noise is our accumulated list of projects, tasks and todo’s that need to be managed. It’s life really. Nothing more, nothing less.

The key is this- do we have a system that is capable of helping us manage all of these projects? Does a person really need to use a productivity app to manage basketball signups? Can’t life be simpler than this?

Sadly, no it can’t. Sure, when you’re about 10 years old life is simple. You wake up and do whatever comes to you during the day. But once you hit middle school and beyond, you’ve graduated to Project Manager status.

Your system needs to keep up.

The “problem” I have (and maybe you do too?) is that I get tired. On some days, I just don’t want to have to manage projects in my personal life. I don’t mind it at all in my “work life”- we use Nozbe for that.

But it’s the Saturday morning kind of thing that bothers me. It’s a tension to manage- having projects for my kids’ commitments and my non-work activities. It just gets overwhelming at times.

You could just say, “the heck with it” and toss up your hands and hit delete. This might be effective for a short while but is probably irresponsible or reckless for the long haul.

Instead, here are four creative strategies for when you feel overwhelmed by your system:

Visit with a spiritual director on a regular basis. Visiting with my spiritual director, a Catholic priest, has been the most impactful decision of my adult life. Without someone to talk to about deep things, most of us are left to wrestle with our internal world on our own. Overwhelm is definitely one of the things that a spiritual director can help with.
Take an intentional hiatus from social media. More and more studies show that the more time you spend on social media, the unhappier you are. By hitting the pause button on your Facebook and Twitter usage, you’re making more time for simpler things that matter much more.
Reclaim your Sabbath. When do you take “sabbath”? When do you stop picking up socks around the house and sticks in the yard? When do you enjoy doing something that truly makes you smile? By reclaiming your Sabbath, you’re not escaping your overwhelming list of projects and todos. Rather, you’re giving them a context of the rest of your life. I recommend Terry Hershey's Sabbath Moments as a place to start if you want to reclaim your Sabbath.
Cut it out. At a certain point, you just need to do less. Which project can you cancel or delete? Which committee can you gracefully bow out of? Which event can you skip?

We all get overwhelmed. The real key is to respond with patience and calm. Be compassionate with yourself and realize that you have much more agency than you think.

You’ll get through it!

What’s the Point of Prayer in the Face of a Natural Disaster?

October 7, 2017 Mike StPierre

Yesterday, after attending Mass, I ran into two friends, both from Puerto Rico. We talked about the recent hurricanes and their impact on the island. There was no talk about bridges or generators or hospitals. Rather, we spoke of relatives and sadly, of the harrowing experiences of their friends.

I walked away feeling empty and sensing that I could no nothing to help.

If I’m honest, part of me didn’t want to help. After all, it’s much easier to just fade back into my New Jersey suburban neighborhood and return to daily life with power, clean water and high speed internet.

Conscience told me that some kind of bridge had to be built from after that post-Mass moment with my friends to a personal moment of prayer. While I wasn’t able to travel to Puerto Rico, I could, if I was brave enough, pray for those in Puerto Rico suffering from the effects of the hurricane.

Prayer is often like that- you know you can do it but it can still feel insufficient.

Back at home, during a morning prayer time, I began to build that bridge. From a quiet porch on the side of my house, I prayed. Not knowing how to pray for people who have lost everything, my prayers were quite simple. I prayed for their homes, for their towns and most of all, for their ability to maintain hope. As a result, my heart expanded and all I could do, pray, was enough. In those particular moments of prayer, all I could do was the best I could do.

What is the point of prayer when a natural disaster strikes? I do not have all of the answers. What I do know is that if all you can do is pray, that’s what you should do.

The Value of a Thinking Walk

September 22, 2017 Mike StPierre

Exercise is sort of like travel on the airplane for business purposes- not always fun but effective for clearing out the cobwebs in your head. Getting moving is good for your body and great for your mind.

Tony Robbins says, “If you want to change your emotion, get in motion.”

A new idea that I learned recently is called the “thinking walk”. A thinking walk is basically a slightly slower walk than a workout. You’re not moving at a snail’s pace but you’re also not training for a marathon.

You’re thinking first and walking second. Most of us do the opposite which is why the thinking walk is so effective.

A thinking walk is useful if you have a big idea that you want to ponder. You’re giving yourself permission to think while you walk. I know it sounds kind of weird but once you try it, I suspect that you’ll be a believer like me.

The walk can take place at the beginning or even the end of the day. If you really want to take it to another level, you can build a walk into your day, as if it were a scheduled meeting. The advantage to this is that it will force you to think deeply while you walk. After all, you’re on “company time” if you do it this way. When you return, you might even want to jot down a few thoughts you had during the walk.

When can you schedule your next thinking walk? Which problems will you ponder when you are walking?

3 Apps That Will Help You Focus at Work

August 30, 2017 Mike StPierre

We’ve all been there- you sit down to do some work at your computer and you get distracted.

If you’re like me, it goes something like this:

I’ll just check Twitter real quick...
... and follow a link from a sports writer to a story online...
... which makes me think that maybe there are related stories so I turn to Google for a quick search...
...which then takes me down the rabbit trail of three other articles related to the same topic.

Can you relate?

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The rabbit trail is a dangerous thing. It's seductive really. The rabbit trail taps into our desire for quick, dopamine-inducing searches and internet expeditions. The rabbit trail affects us all, whether we are aware of it or not. If you have an internet connection, you've experienced this. If you use social media, you've experienced this. If you have a smartphone, you know what I'm talking about.

I suppose the question is this: what are you going to do about it?

If you need to work online and can’t become a monk (although that sounds good sometimes right?), the good news is that there are a number of apps you can use to stay focused. Here are the three that I use regularly:

Self Control. This Mac-only app is very smart. It allows you to create a list of applications or websites that you know you’ll be tempted to visit. Then, by launching the app, it knows to not allow you to open those websites. I’ve used Self Control for months and find it very handy. You can also launch the app and tell it how long you want to do focused work. Self Control then begins and ends when your timed work is done. (cost: free)
Coffitivity. Cofffitivity is a website (and app) with some pre-recorded sounds that simulate a coffee shop. The makers of of the application have stepped up their game and now offer a handful of different coffee shop soundtracks. Just launch the one that fits your mood and you’re off and running. There’s something about a little bit of back noise that helps you to focus and do your work. (cost: free; a $9 premium version is also available)
White Noise. White Noise comes in both a free and for-pay version and it’s great. There are tons of sounds that you can try out, from the sound of a hairdryer to the purr of a cat to the sound of a rowboat along the water. White Noise is what I use when there is some other noise in the house or in my office. I launch White Noise and it serves to negate most of the other noise around me. This is very subtle but good news- it actually works. (cost: free; a premium option is also available)

Another tactic you might try is to use an iPad for as much of your work as possible. While you can certainly multi-task on an iPad (with split-screen that allows you to have two apps side by side), it lends itself to using one application at a time.

Whether you go with the iPad or the apps that I mentioned above, the key is to outsmart the distractions in your head. Once you do that, you’ll be more free to do your focused work.

BONUS: if you’re a person of prayer, you may want to try White Noise in order to set the mood and tune out the other noises around you. While this isn’t practical for praying at church, it does the trick for those times when you want to have a quiet time at home but just can’t seem to tune out the noise.

The Eight Elements of a Digital Sabbath

August 9, 2017 Mike StPierre

You’re at the grocery store and what do you see? People on their smartphones, walking down the aisles. You go to the restaurant and what do you see? Whole families sitting near one another but not really being present to each other. Even at church, with just a few spare minutes before services, you’ll see smartphones pulled out of pockets and purses. Just in case I miss something...

The smartphone cometh and has taken us to places we never imagined.

Consider the following:

Did you know that, according to Pew Research, only 15% of teens do not have a smartphone? That means that the kid next door to the kid next door to the kid next door... all using smartphones. I can remember just a few years ago when smartphones were kind of a luxury. Today, not so much.
There's more- the average person, according to AOL News, unlocks their phone 80 times per day. Think about that for a moment. We unlock (and then use) our phones 80 times per day. What else do you do 80 times per day? I can't think of anything if I'm honest.

When I first read that last stat, I didn't believe it. Then, I tested out an app called Moment. I realized that I was picking up my phone way more than I realized. Dozens of times per day to be exact.

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Can you relate to all of this? Do you pick up your phone more than you’d like, feeling tempted to check it even in the thinnest moments of your day?

What can you do if you are starting to feel as if your phone is taking over your life? I suggest one simple thing and it’s called The Digital Sabbath.

The Digital Sabbath is a technique borrowed from ancient Judaism and Christianity whereby believers would take a day out of their week to rest. The concept was deeply baked into the DNA of adherents: no work, just rest, play, enjoyment and renewal. That sounds good, doesn't it?

To most of us, this idea sounds cute. I used to think this too until I started to take it seriously. I figured I had nothing to lose so I picked Sunday as my day of the week. Since I’m a Catholic Christian, this also made lots of sense. Sunday would be the day when I would try not to use my phone.

After doing this experiment for several months, I’ve found the following to be eight key elements of a successful digital sabbath:

Define what “digital” means to you. To me, it’s mostly my phone + Twitter + Facebook. I don’t feel tempted to check Instagram or LinkedIN any more so those didn’t make the cut.
Decide why you want to do the sabbath in the first place. For me, it’s a break, a breather and a barrier. I need rest from digital usage. I want to breath a different pace of life and finally, I want to gradually create a healthy barrier between me and my technology. A day off helps me to do that.
Don’t beat yourself up. If you mess up and suddenly check your phone at a point in the day, be gentle with yourself. Put it down and get back to whatever you were doing. It’s ok.
When with others, keep gadgets out of sight. Fight the urge to place the phone between you and your partner when you’re eating a meal or having a conversation.
When watching TV or a movie, keep gadgets far enough away that you’re not tempted to reach for them. This might apply to a tablet or your phone or your laptop.
Pick up a book. Grab one that you really enjoy and have been looking forward to reading. Give yourself permission to read something analogue (a book, newspaper, etc.).
Include nature or leisure. By going outdoors or to a museum or street fair, you’ll “trick” your brain and distract yourself. To the degree that you can divert your attention to truly beautiful things (art, music, nature, etc.), all the better.
Celebrate the end of the sabbath. It’s ok to enjoy checking Facebook or email at the end of the day. Like breaking a fast, this is when you can reconnect with whomever you need to online.

These eight elements can make for a happy and productive digital sabbath. Why not schedule your next digital sabbath? When can you put down the phone and take a day for yourself to unplug?