Three Spiritual Lessons from House Selling

The day the sign went up I could feel the stares.

Neighbors, previously friendly to us, suddenly raised an eye brow as the realtor put the stakes into the ground. "Home for Sale" became a symbol of traitorship in our quiet suburban development. Why would they want to move? What's wrong with this neighborhood? You could almost hear the dinner conversation about the family in the white house that just put their house up for sale.

I avoided Herbie, my closest friend on the block, for days on end. I felt guilty, as if my desire to move was a statement of dissatisfaction with him or his backyard. It wasn't of course but the emotional pull of moving does weird things to your head.

Now a few months later and with a boat load of showings under our belt, I can say that we have gleaned (at least) three spiritual lessons from the house selling process.

1. House selling increases your faith. It's not a great market in which to sell. The economy isn't exactly "shovel ready" and everyone wants a deal. So much of the house selling process is out of your control that you literally have to throw it up to God and trust that He will work out the details. That's great for your faith.


2. House selling increases communication within your own family. Cary and I have had more conversations with our kids about our home, our town and what we really need (i.e. space, bedrooms, etc.) as a result of putting our house up for sale. More communication = better relationships.


3. House selling expands your vision for the future. When you leverage something that you own, it helps you to measure what's really important. That, in turn, leads to big thoughts about your future. For us, the house selling process has brought a lot of clarity to where we want to be in the short and the long term.

As of today our house hasn't sold. I wish it had but I'm grateful for the three lessons that we've learned along the way. Finally, Herbie and I are back on speaking terms.

What did you learn from the last time you had to purchase or sell a home?

Photo courtesy of SR

How to Know if You are Too Critical

You know them as Debbie Downers, Charlie Criticals or just plain know-it-alls.  They seem to have all of the answers without a willingness to do all of the work.  The 5 x 5 Network even has a show dedicated to these folks called Hypercritical.  

In short, critical people are all around us.  

How do you know if you're one of them?  Here are some signs:

-nothing seems to be good enough
-they return food often at restaurants
-they complain to hotel staffs
-they are quick to give advice, even if they aren't asked
-they like the phrase, "Have you ever thought about..."
-their faces don't look happy, often with deep lines on their foreheads and a recurring frown
-they can turn their praise on a dime into an attack, removing all loyalty from relationships

If you can relate to some of these signs, you're not alone.  If we're honest, we all are probably too critical too much of the time.  

The reason why this matters is that it relates profoundly to our spiritual lives.  A critical person brushes up against pride when their "I know better" attitude expands and pride is a major problem.  

My wife Cary told me once that I had "a problem".  I thought, "this will be rich," but listened like an obedient husband anyway. She told me that my problem was that I always wanted things to be better.  Not thinking that this really was a problem, I was still struck by her insight.  I realized that my attitude needed to shift without my standards being compromised.  It's good to want to improve things but it's bad if that's all you want out of life.  

Think of it in terms of relationships: if you are friends with someone and always want to change them, you'll quickly find yourself alone.  Work, family, prayer- much of this isn't about changing people but about working with them to achieve a higher good.

In my life, the result has been significant as I'm now more accepting and less judgmental.  A work in progress, as they say.

The trick is not to lose sight of things when they need improvement but to see things through a spiritual lens.  Love and accept first and evaluate and improve later.  Now that's a formula that works even when life isn't perfect.

Question: when was the last time that you caught yourself being overly critical of someone else?  

Photo courtesy of RZ

How to Take the High Road

At some point, most parents encourage their kids to travel to a strange place.  It’s called “the high road” and children have no clue where it’s located.

 

We parents lump The High Road talk in with other famous bits of wisdom.  These include, but I’m sure are not limited to the following:

-“Life’s not fair”

-“You have to roll with the punches”

-“People are like that”

-“We don’t do that in our house”

And my personal favorite:

-“Offer it up”

Taking The High Road is a great metaphor for parents when they face a situation that is hard to navigate.  Exhibit A might include a 6^th grade son who faces a classmate who is a royal pain in the neck.  The High Road would translate into ignoring the other kid as often as possible.

Exhibit B could include the coach who uses a few choice words after the weekend baseball game, again showing his inability to motivate youngsters.  The High Road might supplement dinner conversation with a pleasant, “Oh well, Coach Fisher won’t be your coach next year.  There are only two games left in the season anyway.”  

All of this is fine but does it hold water once you turn into an adult?  Could it be that we should still Take The High Road when we are managing others, executing projects and maintaining standards?

This is where our faith comes in.  I suggest at least a few moments when The High Road might be appropriate after all:

-You get a nasty email from a colleague.  The High Road: go and see him/her personally to talk about it rather than fire back a “you’re an ass” email.

-You get steamrolled by a boss during a meeting.  The High Road: file that moment away in your mental Black List and never forget it.  That boss showed his/her true colors and you’ll be prepared the next time.

-You fall victim to something in the rumor mill.  The High Road: rumors are basically uncontrollable and driven by people who crave weird information.  Ignore the mill.

-Your assistant is late for three days in a row, citing elder care issues.  The High Road: show some compassion and be supportive.  After all, you’ll be old someday too.

Whether you are five or fifty five, The High Road still applies.  This is not to say that you become a pushover or compromise your standards.  Rather it means that you leave some room for God to step in and be a central part of your work.

Question: when was the last time that you took The High Road?

Photo courtesy of JW

7 Ways to Put Your Family First

A friend of mine has a habit. About twice a year he loses track of time at work and arrives home very late, hours after his family expected him. As you can imagine, this habit is not one that his spouse is particularly fond of.

I’m not immune to this as I’ve on occasion, returned home later than I had hoped. As I get older though, my wife has helped me to see that getting home late is a major no-no.

If you don’t think that it’s a marriage killer, try it a few times and when you get the evil eye (which is taught in the wife handbook, page 104), shrug it off. That will go over real well…

Andy Stanley of Northpoint Church wrote about this dynamic in his book, Choosing to Cheat. He essentially says this: be clear about whom you are going to cut short in terms of time. Every day, you must choose one priority over another. Once you know your priorities, you can choose the most important actions to take.

What he means is that if you believe your spouse really comes first in your life, you really don’t have the luxury of making a social withdrawal by coming home much later than you had planned. As Covey famously said years ago, “put first things first”. This applies your family as much as anything.

So here is my quick list on simple ways that you can put your family first in the whole work-family dynamic:

1. Leave work at a particular time every day. Whether it’s four, five or six p.m., try to stick to a particular time. This will help your spouse with dinner planning or the occasional errand on a week night.

2. Surprise your spouse once a month by coming home early. This works every time and shows your spouse that work doesn’t always come before family. My wife isn’t crazy about flowers but sees time home early as an even better gift from me to her. I love showing up at the back door and surprise her.

3. Believe in the concept of a meeting “with yourself”. That way, you can leave on time, knowing that your meeting is actually a time to get home and be with your family.

4. Practice transitioning. You can take a deep breath before you enter the house, reminding yourself that you are no longer at work. You can also use the time in which you change your clothes to refocus on the second part of the day (I.e. 5-9pm). Very productive people know that a short amount of time is needed in order to shift from work to home mode. Without the transition, you'll end up being short with your spouse as if you are still in work mode. Not a good idea.

5. In the event that you are running late, call ahead. Better to communicate when your lateness shows up rather than when it blows up a few hours later.

6. Go into work late once in a while. This can’t apply to everyone but if your job allows for any degree of flexibility, go in later and make up the time on the backend. Sometimes a breakfast with your spouse can go a long way to tell her that you consider family more important than work.

7. Turn off your gear. When you’re home, don’t be checking email or your phone. This is super difficult, I know, but nothing says “you’re not important” more than checking email when you should be helping your kids with their homework.

By practicing these habits of “family first”, you can communicate to your family that they matter. Big time. Now that’s a habit that will pay dividends now and into the future.

How to Cut Down on Your Errands

Would you like to reduce your weekend errands so that you have more time for your family or friends?  Do you have a list of errands that you just wish someone else could do for you?  Better yet, would you like to find a simpler way to organize your errands? 

I hate errands. Actually if I'm honest, I really don't hate them. I just don't like it when they take up time that I'd rather spend doing something of more value.  Stuff like being with Cary and the kids or working at school.

There are usually two kinds of errands:

• those you can complete on your way to something else
• those that take up dedicated, focused energy

It's the second kind that usually gets in the way. These errands are unique and time consuming. We tend to put them off because we either don't know how to tackle them or find them unpleasant.

I experience this about every three months. I blame the oil change light in my Toyota but really the blame falls on my shoulders.

For whatever reason, I haven't mastered the concept of the oil change. I get it done but typically about a thousand miles over when I should. I have a ton of excuses but most of them are lame (the garage is far from work, forgetfulness, the non-urgency of the task, etc.).

Besides the inconvenience of errands like an oil change, they typically don't produce a high level of joy or satisfaction. I mean, who truly loves another trip to Doug's Auto Garage?  

So what to do?

This week we're inviting all readers (and listeners of the podcast) to take part in a reduction of errands.  My kids think that this is totally nerdy but they actually are the ones who benefit the most from me doing less errands on the weekend.  

Who really wants to spend 30-40% of their free time running errands? I know that I don't so here are some suggestions that can reduce your errands by 25% or more:

1. Hire a personal assistant: if your errands are digital (preparing taxes, scanning documents, etc.), why not hire a Virtual Assistant? With resources like ODesk.com or Elance.com, you can find a "V.A." in about 15 minutes at very low cost. If your errands are geographically dependent, you can find help through a resource like CraigsList.com or through word of mouth. Some might object that spending the money to have someone pick up your dry cleaning is wasteful but ask yourself, "What is my time really worth?" Hiring someone might free you up to spend time on better things.  Mike Hyatt has a solid resource on the reasons for going V.A. in order to save you personal time on tasks.  You may also be able to find a neighbor, a retired person or just someone looking for a few hours a week who could help you.
2. Buy more gift cards: think of all of the time that you spend trying to find that "perfect gift" for someone's birthday. I suggest skipping this and just buying a gift card or a gift certificate. This might not work for every situation but it is a super option more often than not. Best of all, it will save you a ton of time.  I have a wedding coming up and while I wouldn't recommend a gift card in that situation, I'll be giving cash for sure.
3. Simplify your yard: look at it this way- you could spend two hours mowing your lawn or you could install some ornamental grasses and perennial flowers that require no maintenance and still look nice. The result- you only have to mow for one hour a week, saving you 40 hours a year. Now that's a trade-off worth making.  The less maintenance, the better.
4. Simplify your wardrobe: most of us only need 5-10 different outfits for work and about the same for casual wear. Start by weeding out old stuff that you haven't worn in years. Then settle on a few brands that you like and invest in quality items. I like Joseph A. Bank for my dress clothes and Timberland for my casual clothes. This has saved me so much time and stress in that I don't have to shop for new items nearly as often because both brands design clothes to last for years.
5. Just don't do them: when all else fails, skip the errands. There is a cost to this for sure but you might actually get away with not doing some of the things that you dread and are taking up your valuable personal time.  Use caution with this one but always ask yourself, "Do I really need to do that errand?"

What can you do this week to cut down on errands?

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Photo courtesy of FDP

Three Things Your Spouse Can Teach You About Work

Most families are a complex web of commitments, hopes, dreams, projects, activities and disappointments.  In our family, my wife, Cary is The Servant.  She truly has a heart for helping people and I'm blessed to spend life with her. 

We have an ongoing joke that she is also the "parking lot evangelist" because she seems to find elderly people outside of stores who have lost sight of their parking space and can use a hand.  Cary volunteers a ton at our church and brings home her joys and frustrations.  

One theme of many volunteers, Cary included, is that of not hearing the words "thank you" from those in authority on a regular basis.  For whatever reason, many leaders don't think long enough to thank those who are choosing to give of their time and energy for the sake of the cause/organization/church, etc.  

I've learned three things from Cary that I try to act on at school, especially when we have volunteers:

1. Publicly thank and praise them.  A bouquet of flowers, a microphone announcement, a kind word- all of these go a long way.  Even if you have five people to acknowledge when you are the podium, always find a a way to thank that 6th person who is a key volunteer.  
2. Privately thank them via personal notes and emails.  This is more personal and usually means even more to volunteers.  It takes but a minute and will make a real difference.  
3. Remember that they can leave at any time.  Enjoy the gifts of your volunteers but remember that they can pack up and leave at any time.  That's in the Volunteer Handbook (page 32 I think).  Hopefully this will motivate you to thank them even more often.

I've learned so much and continue to learn about how to thank volunteers and help them feel appreciated.  No leader is perfect and that includes me.  Thanking your volunteers well and often will help your legacy to go further and faster.  

What can you learn from your spouse about your colleagues at work?

Photo courtesy of CLS