How to Tell if Someone Isn’t Listening To You

Lately I’ve been finding more and more people who struggle to listen from moment to moment.  It’s not that they don’t want to listen.  I suspect they do but for whatever reason, they just struggle to give you the attention you deserve.

You can tell by the roadsigns:

-wandering eyes 

-jumping on your words

-asking you something about something you already said

-changing the subject altogether 

Now that you can identify the signs of someone who isn’t listening, what can you do about it?

This is tricky because you’ll have to walk a fine line between:

  • adjusting to their “hearing style” and
  • watering down what you have to say

Here’s what I mean- when I run into someone who has wandering eyes, I’ll try to be more brief, knowing that their attention span is limited.  There may be times when you’ll have to correct someone and bring their focus of eyes and ears towards you.  

The key is this: figure out if they are listening and maximize your message.  In addition, strive to be a person who gives 100% of your attention to whomever is speaking.  This is an act of respect and a habit that takes practice.

Strive to be a person who gives 100% of your attention to whomever is speaking. 

Strive to be a person who gives 100% of your attention to whomever is speaking. 

The Surprising Ingredient to a Great Day

When was the last time you had a truly great day?  What did it look like and if you could, wouldn't you like to repeat it at a moment's notice?

I know that I would. 

This past weekend was Memorial Day in the States and the weather was perfect here in Jersey.  Parades, barbecues and sprinklers for the kids... absolutely perfect! 

What made the three days off from work even better was the fact that I was coming off of a few tough weeks of work.  May is very busy for school leaders and graduation is right around the corner.   

Surprisingly enough, the key ingredient was a complete lack of hurrying. No rushing around.  No hurried pace.  No frantic running of errands. 

Leisure is like that.  It's full of margin.

Joseph Peiper, the famous philosopher said this about leisure: 

“Leisure is only possible when we are at one with ourselves. We tend to overwork as a means of self-escape, as a way of trying to justify our existence.”  Josef PieperLeisure: The Basis Of Culture

When we have a great day, we are typically experiencing a balanced view of work and the rest of life.  Things seem to be "in check".  Life makes sense.  

The lack of hurry is critical.  If you want to have a great day at a moment's notice, you'll need to cut down on the hurrying around that is part of so much of daily life. 

It's tough to enjoy leisure when you're in a hurry.

It's tough to enjoy leisure when you're in a hurry.

Less hurry, more balance.  

Five Things You Can do When You Get Grumpy

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It happens.  Grumpiness, that is.  It's that state that comes over you from time to time, seemingly without warning.  It is almost always shared with those around you (unfortunately) and spills over to those you love. 

Grumpiness... 

For me, grumpiness happens about once every two weeks.  It's a real pain in the neck and I don't like being grumpy.  Still, I've learned a few tricks of what to do when you are grumpy: 

1. Acknowledge that you are grumpy.  Face the facts and call yourself out.  You may even tell those around you that you're grumpy.  It can help to name it. 

2. Ask "why"?  By identifying the root of your grumpiness, you can then focus on a solution. 

3. Ask "what can I do"?  Oftentimes, there are some simple things you can do to feel better like: 

-getting a shower

-going for a walk

-putting on cooler clothing

-getting some water to drink

-taking a break

4. Change your scenery.  It's easier to shift out of grumpiness if you are in a place you like.  By going for a drive or doing something you like, you'll take another step out of grumpiness. 

5. Write it down.  If you are a journaler, like me, this helps a lot.  If you aren't someone who writes a lot, write it down anyway on a piece of paper.  You'll be surprised how much this helps.  Writing about something helps you to process it, nail down its source and take action. 

From a faith perspective, grumpiness allows us to be honest with God and it even can be a cause for prayer.  We don't always have full control over our circumstances but we can choose how we respond, even when we are grumpy. 

How about you?  When are you most likely to be grumpy?  How does it affect your work and family life? 

The Power of Deep-Seated Routines

Routines are so big a part of our everyday lives that, according to Charles Duhigg, they account for nearly 40% of our day.  In his book, The Power of Habit, he talks about routines and habits as if they hold a magical power.... because they do.

I've been reading through Duhigg's book and even got a copy for my leadership team members for Christmas.  It's that good of a read.  While I'm reading, I'm thinking (isn't reading funny like that?) about my own routines.

How about you?  How concrete are your routines on a daily basis?  Here's a brief quiz to get you thinking:

  • Do you get up at the same time every morning? / Do you get up at a different time each day?
  • Do you go to bed at the same time every night? / Do you go to bed whenever you feel like it?
  • Do you get in to work at the same time every day? / Do you get in to work at different times?
  • Do you work out regularly at scheduled times? / Do you workout at random times each week?

As you go through these questions, you start to get a feel for how deep-seated your routines are. I know for me, I'm very disciplined at some things but very scattered when it comes to other habits.  I'm a work in progress- you too?

Here's the thing- to the degree that you can cultivate deep-seated and routinized habits, strong, neat things will start to happen.  Here are just some that I've been uncovering:

  1. Because I get to work at roughly the same time each morning (between 7:05-7:15am), my morning traffic pattern is predictable and I stress less.  In addition, my colleagues can count on me to be there. This might also be a sign that I have my act together (debatable I'm sure).
  2. Because I write each Sunday morning for my newsletter group (you're not a member yet?), my readers can count on me.  They are then more likely to read my blog and when I have a special announcement, more likely to respond with generosity.  
  3. Because I take my kids to church each weekend, they can count on a weekly message from our pastor and this church-anchor breaks up their weekend into two distinct 24 hour periods of time.  
  4. Because I visit my spiritual director every 6 weeks, my soul is a little less likely to get crusty and whatever issues I'm working through are more likely to be resolved.  This makes me a more cheerful person and increasingly contemplative.  My family then looks forward to when I come home after spiritual direction, knowing that I'm going to be in a good mood.

Habits matter- they matter a whole lot.  They are part of our routines, whether we know it or not. How about you and I work to first inventory the routines that we have down pat. After that, I suggest working towards those routines that you know will pay off.  

For me, this includes getting to bed at a reasonable time each night.  It also involves no meat during Lent (which has been easier than I thought).

As you go through these questions, you start to get a feel for how deep-seated your routines are. I know for me, I'm very disciplined at some things but very scattered when it comes to other habits.  I'm a work in progress- you too?

Here's the thing- to the degree that you can cultivate deep-seated and routinized habits, strong, neat things will start to happen.  Here are just some that I've been uncovering:

  1. Because I get to work at roughly the same time each morning (between 7:05-7:15am), my morning traffic pattern is predictable and I stress less.  In addition, my colleagues can count on me to be there. This might also be a sign that I have my act together (debatable I'm sure).
  2. Because I write each Sunday morning for my newsletter group (you're not a member yet?), my readers can count on me.  They are then more likely to read my blog and when I have a special announcement, more likely to respond with generosity.  
  3. Because I take my kids to church each weekend, they can count on a weekly message from our pastor and this church-anchor breaks up their weekend into two distinct 24 hour periods of time.  
  4. Because I visit my spiritual director every 6 weeks, my soul is a little less likely to get crusty and whatever issues I'm working through are more likely to be resolved.  This makes me a more cheerful person and increasingly contemplative.  My family then looks forward to when I come home after spiritual direction, knowing that I'm going to be in a good mood.

Habits matter- they matter a whole lot.  They are part of our routines, whether we know it or not. How about you and I work to first inventory the routines that we have down pat. After that, I suggest working towards those routines that you know will pay off.  

For me, this includes getting to bed at a reasonable time each night.  It also involves no meat during Lent (which has been easier than I thought).  Both require small bits of sacrifice but they, in return, give me something as well.  Something of value that I can take with me throughout the day.

As a homework assignment, why not check out my friend Gene's website and podcast which features practical ways to stop feeling guilty over small things that don't matter.  

So here's to your well-formed conscience to guide you through the week.  You can do it, that is to say, you can live with joy and spontaneity and freedom... without the guilt.

New Podcast with David Allen

What do you ask someone who has been interviewed hundreds of times? 

That was the question I asked as Nancy (my cohost) and I prepared to interview David Allen, author of Getting Things Done.  I didn't want it to be just another interview with the same old questions being asked and the same result- a predictable interview.

The result: something different.

I think you'll enjoy this podcast interview we did with David.  We talked about parenting, school, information overload and of course, productivity.  David was down to earth, direct and inspiring.  We also got a sneak-peak at the new edition of Getting Things Done which debuts in March of 2015.

It was so much fun and I can't wait to share it with you so sit back and have a listen.  Jump below the podcast button for some of my past blog posts on GTD.

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20 Ways To Deal with Pressure

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Today is President's Day here in the U.S.  My family and I are sharing "Presidential Trivia" questions during the day via my 8 year old's favorite medium for communication- her whiteboard.  

Turns out that Harry Truman used to get up at 5am each day to play the piano for two hours.  Who knew? 

If anyone faces pressure on a given day, I would think that the President of the United States ranks at the top of that list.  How do you deal with pressure on a daily basis?  How do I deal with it? 

Here are some very simple strategies for taming the pressure dragon- you'll notice that many have a similar theme: automation.  To the degree that you can automate daily living, you'll cut down on pressure and that feeling of heavy overwhelm.  

 -get up at the same time every workday

-maintain a simple wardrobe

-keep a simple, short to-do list

-put things away in whichever space you work

-get enough sleep

-workout on a regular basis

-make contact with your friends at least monthly

-worship God in public at least once a week

-stick with a simple diet  

-keep your car maintained and clean

-do something that you like every day  

-surround yourself with tools and gadgets that help you work efficiently

-enjoy art

-listen to music

-stretch

-practice solitude

-get outdoors

-spend time with your pet (or even someone else's!) 

-prepare a meal for someone you love

-do something of service for someone else

 

None of these are rocket science.  You can do probably 2-3 today without even trying.  Whether your pressure is from work or from a commitment that is difficult to manage, you can fight back (gently) by practicing several of the strategies above. 

Action follow up: what is the primary source of your pressure?  How will you push back on it this week?