I’ve been on a quest over the last year to understand shame. A bit of backstory to explain this journey.
I first heard someone talk about shame a few years ago. In one ear and out the other. He talked about shame as something that could “self sabotage”. Again, no understanding on my end as ot what this meant. I ignored it and moved on. My mental block was wrapped up in guilt because, as a Catholic, I have an over abundance of it. If you’ve ever heard the word, “Catholic guilt”, it’s real.
We’re talking Varsity letter real.
Catholic guilt is that sense that you “have to” do something. Or, it can manifest in a spirit of “I couldn’t not do that”. Catholic guilt weaves in and out of a sense of duty, obligation and right living. Unfortunately, it can also become an unhealthy, heavy sense of obligation. Catholic guilt which is purely cultural and lacks a relationship with Jesus can lead a person right out of the Church.
Back to Shame
After hearing about shame theoretically, I then heard someone speak about it as if in a relationship with it. “It makes me feel ashamed,” or something to that effect. What did that mean? Could something or someone make someone feel ashamed? Finally, how was it different from guilt? It rattled me.
I turned to the expert in shame, Brene Brown and read Rising Strong. Brown talks about shame as something very different from guilt. (BTW, even if you’re not a fan of Brown’s work, her book covers are worth checking out; A+ for graphic design). It turns out that guilt and shame are very different things.
Guilt says, “I messed up”.
Shame says, “I am a mess up”.
Guilt says, “I feel badly because of something wrong that I did”.
Shame says, “I am bad because of something wrong that I did”.
Note the difference in these. Shame can grab hold of you like an addiction and not let go. Worse yet, it can trick you into thinking that you are destined to repeat bad things over and over again.
It’s also worth mentioning that popular culture has painted over both of these concepts with a cool rinse of relativism. In the quest to avoid all moral objectivity, culture will tell you that your wrong actions are just “bad choices”. Think of the parent who addresses her child who just stole a bag of chips from the store, “Don’t worry Bobby, you just made a bad choice.”
Please!
Some things really are wrong and each of us knows this deep down. So don’t believe what culture will tell you.
Back to Guilt and Shame
Here is where we bring the power of prayer to our understanding of guilt and shame. First, it’s valuable to practice three things when discerning guilt from shame:
A daily examen. That moment in your day when you look back and take stock of where you were in step with God.
Frequent confession. I’d recommend monthly or slightly more often if need be.
Spiritual direction. Again, monthly or every six weeks.
These three power-houses of reflection will go a long way. They will train your spiritual muscles, enabling you to tell when you are guilty versus when you are tempted to lean into shame.
Calling BS
In addition, we need to call BS on an over abundance of Catholic guilt. Enough already. Let’s be grownups and do our best to love Jesus and own our decisions. Pay attention to your words. Instead of “I have to” do something, try out “I choose to” do something. That simple shift will train your brain towards gratitude and personal responsibility.
Finally, let’s look shame in the eye and toss it aside. Shame, in its worst form, is pride. Shame tells you that God can’t overcome sin and that you’re doomed to screw up again and again. No thanks. Jesus, Lord of the universe, can kick the ass of any sin in your arsenal.
One Final Thought
If you’re dealing with a frequent cocktail of guilt and shame, talk to someone about it. Often, an objective, outside perspective can go a long way in terms of helping you sort out when you should feel guilty as opposed to giving in to shame.